Conflicts are an inevitable part of every relationship. Having a framework for resolving them will help you achieve effective solutions and maintain healthy relationships.
Conflicts vs. problems
Problems are obstacles that block the path to achieving goals. Conflicts arise from disagreements between people, often fueled by emotions. For instance, a car that will not start is a problem, but a disagreement over who gets to use it is a conflict.
Effective communication is critical in all conflict situations. It helps to be specific, define terms, ask for examples and practice active listening.
Discussions are most productive when both parties remain calm and manage their emotions. Taking a break during heated moments and practicing mindfulness before discussions can be very helpful.
When conflicts occur, ask:
Where do we disagree?
I have heard managers and employees say, “We disagree on everything.” That is usually not the case. People usually disagree on goals, plans, priorities, responsibilities or values. It is important to pinpoint exactly where you disagree.
For example, two colleagues may agree on the goal of improving customer satisfaction but disagree on how to achieve it. One believes that focusing on great customer service should be the top priority, while the other thinks product development is more important.
Think about a recent conflict that you experienced. Did you clearly identify where the disagreement was rooted?
Tip: Do not continue the conflict resolution process until you are clear on where you disagree. If you do not get this right, you will waste time trying to solve the wrong problem.
What are the specific reasons for the disagreement?
Have an open and honest discussion about the assumptions, beliefs, facts and experiences that support each position. It requires asking good questions and listening to understand the reasoning.
In some cases, you discover the current disagreement is a symptom of deeper issues such as unresolved conflicts, lack of trust or hurt feelings. In other cases, the discussion reveals one party made faulty assumptions or has incomplete knowledge of what was tried in the past.
For example, a team leader and a team member may disagree on a project’s timeline. The team member believes the deadline is unrealistic due to personal experiences with similar projects. In contrast, the team leader assumes it is feasible based on past successes. By discussing their experiences and assumptions, they may realize that the project requirements are more complex than initially thought, leading to a revised and more realistic timeline.
Tip: Do not start searching for solutions until both parties are clear on the specific reasons behind each person’s position.
What are the possible approaches to resolve the conflict?
There are several.
- Compromise. Find a middle ground. For example, two department heads may disagree on resource allocation. By compromising, they might decide to share resources equally, even though neither gets exactly what they want.
- Collaborate. Work together to generate creative solutions to satisfy both parties. For example, two colleagues with different ideas on a marketing campaign might combine their ideas into a hybrid solution that incorporates each one’s strengths.
- Do an experiment. Try both approaches and compare results. For example, a sales manager and a marketing manager might disagree on whether to focus on social media marketing versus television and print advertising. By experimenting with both methods over a set period, they can use data to determine which strategy is more effective, thus resolving the conflict objectively.
Tip: Approach is effective in certain situations.
What to avoid in conflict situations
- Bringing up past issues
- Being disrespectful
- Name-calling
- Interrupting
- Yelling
- Being stubborn
What would you add to my list?
In all conflict situations, it is important to avoid unproductive behaviors. Establish a set of operating rules you both agree to follow.
Understanding where and why you disagree increases your chances of achieving an effective resolution. In addition, by maintaining a respectful and open attitude, you increase the probability of success.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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