Are you a good liar?
In my research on effective communication, one of the most surprising things I often discovered is that people who present or speak in front of others communicate in the same way as people who are lying. The reason? In both situations, you’re scared and nervous.
One of my frustrations when learning about communication was realizing that much of what we learn could be more practical for real-life settings like classrooms or meetings. We learn rules from motivational speakers, hearing phrases like “Speak with passion,” “Engage your audience,” or “Make eye contact.” But what if you’re just giving an update or teaching a math formula? How are you supposed to inject passion into that? And if there are 50 people in the room, how can you realistically make meaningful eye contact with all of them?
Breaking the “golden rules” of communication
The moment you start to scrutinize these so-called “golden rules” of communication, they begin to fall apart.
For example, we often hear advice like “Never cross your arms” or “Never put your hands in your pockets,” but these are really just everyday things we do when we’re feeling comfortable. So what’s the discrepancy? It’s not about crossing your arms — it’s about only crossing your arms. It’s not about clasping your hands together — it’s when you keep them that way the whole time. The secret to looking confident is diversity. So, diversity in movement and gesture becomes critical to showing confidence.
One key insight that has transformed my understanding of confidence in communication is the idea that confidence is a physical action. Just like you can practice throwing a ball, you can practice looking confident — even when you’re scared.
In her book You Can’t Lie to Me, body language expert Janine Driver introduces the “belly button rule.” She explains that when people are scared or nervous, they tend to cover up their most vulnerable parts — their groin and their belly button. Once you know this, you’ll start noticing it everywhere. Just like people who lie, nervous speakers often exhibit this behavior.
Practicing physical confidence
So, what can we do about it? There are several ways to practice physical confidence:
- Keep your hands apart: When presenting, avoid letting your hands touch each other or any part of your body. This minimizes the nervous energy that comes from fidgeting or trying to protect your vulnerable areas.
- Move your hands purposefully: A technique I like to call “the back-and-forth” involves using one hand to gesture on one side of your body, then switching to the other side. Periodically, drop your hands and then bring them back up again. This makes your movements look deliberate and controlled.
- Avoid protective postures: Once you’re aware of the instinct to cover vulnerable areas like your belly button, you can actively prevent yourself from doing so, standing tall and open instead.
By focusing on these minor physical adjustments, you can start to build confidence in your communication, no matter how you’re feeling inside. Confidence, like any skill, can be practiced and improved with time.
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
____________________________________
Take advantage of SmartBrief’s FREE email newsletters on leadership and business transformation, among the company’s more than 250 industry-focused newsletters.