As a young administrator, I learned the hard way when approaching a parent call about an issue with their child. Whether I left a message or reached someone, saying: “This is Mike Gaskell, your child’s principal calling,” it immediately set their alarm bells off. In 99 out of 100 instances, there was no cause for alarm, just an alert. Proactively communicating an issue or incident remains my go-to, even and especially when communicating with a difficult person.
This motivates me to preface my outreach with: “There is nothing to be alarmed about. Your child is OK. I just need to update you about (describe the issue).”
This often slows the racing mind to a more cautionary level for parents. Over the years, I have missed some marks, some real doozies. A vague email or phone message without a “nothing to be alarmed about” disclaimer not only exacerbates the bundle of nerves that parents feel but also affects long-term trust.
There’s nothing to worry about …
Here’s the thing: We can’t always get it right. Why? Human emotions are unpredictable, even illogical. Consider a recent interaction I had and how I moved on from the unsettling, even hurtful reaction I experienced.
Knowing I could be missing something important, I left a long meeting, the kind I don’t care for during a school day. My counselor informed me that a child with special needs had a physical reaction, lunging for a nearby child who was eating his lunch. Fortunately, an adult nearby safely restrained the child almost immediately. Unfortunately, the half-second of contact scratched the other child’s neck.
Educators are often nervous about notifying families about such incidents because of the challenges of misunderstanding and fear. Getting the delivery right matters.
Like I do regularly, I called his parents to give them a heads-up before I had another meeting. I shared that there was an incident: “Don’t be alarmed. He was scratched, but he’s fine. He’s happily playing during recess. The nurse already treated him, and I will check on him afterward.”
The parent thanked me for reaching out. After checking on the child later, absent a few red lines and a break in the skin, he was fine. He seemed surprised I was checking on him, but I reassured him I had spoken to his parents and wanted to see if he was OK. There was nothing to worry about.
… but the parent thinks otherwise
I have experienced hundreds of these occasions. Usually, I have a concerned but appreciative parent on the other end. But this time, I experienced the 1 in 100. After the child went home, I received a heated email in which the parent alleged my outreach downplayed the incident.
A less experienced version of me might have responded defensively. It’s human nature. I called again, leaving a message, emphasizing I would never downplay an incident and to please call so we could talk it through.
One in 100: Rather than re-engage me, the parent continued to lambast. Fortunately, I have experienced this type of no-win reaction before. I was reminded that this is almost always about their lack of trust rather than my approach.
Because of the degree of surprise, I am compelled to write about this experience because all school leaders have or will live through the same. When this happens, it is typically a surprise, even shock. How could my outreach, calmly and proactively informing parents, be criticized?
The best way to hold your ground
Early in my career, a mentor once told me that, in these circumstances, you are a public servant, subject to public criticism, but you also have the right to hold your ground. My strongest defense is a pattern of persistent evidence.
Arguing or responding to an email never works in these situations. Ever. Acknowledging regret without admission of fault is an even-handed, even a respected, response. Of course, I regret this. Do I want to argue hair-splitting details with someone who is difficult or in a difficult situation? They are ready for a fight; when that happens, no one wins, least of all the child. My aim and focus have to be on what’s best for the child, not me and not their parents.
Having opened the door for an invitation to talk and the parent doubling down, it is reasonable to take a step back. Remember, 99 out of 100 other interactions validate my communicative professionalism. If and when the parent is ready, my door remains wide open.
What not to expect
Even when a suggestion for improvement is surrounded by commendations in an evaluation, we are all prone to perseverate on the negative and overlook the more significant proportions of recognition. It is natural, and we can all learn from suggestions.
I learned from this interaction that I will respond directly, without hesitation, providing only the facts and expecting no gesture of appreciation in return. It’s an unnatural approach for me, yet necessary for the 1 in 99. Remembering the holistic pattern of positives reinforces what is most important: that I don’t allow the tiny minority to influence how I approach my leadership and respect for my school community.
Stay proactive.
Alert, don’t alarm.
Be cautious with the 1%.
Remain confident that 99% is a win, period.
Now, let me call a parent to alert her about her child. The child is OK, but there’s important information!
Opinions expressed by SmartBrief contributors are their own.
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